OMGGGggggg there is so much to say about this week’s episode that I don’t even know where to begin! I guess I’ll start at the beginning, which was really the end of last week’s episode (which is annoying, The Bachelor, end each episode with a fucking rose ceremony, we already have enough confusion and mayhem in our lives). Kelsey is on the floor and having or staging a panic attack. They’re basically playing her sobs in a loop because they think we won’t notice, and the paramedic tries to distract Kelsey by asking her about some brownies (what brownies?!), which works like a charm. Kelsey laughs “I better get a rose tonight,” and asks to see Chris, then returns to the group of other womyn, who are all pissed. Kelsey laughs off her panic attack and says things like, “these puppies don’t come out every night” about her choice to wear a dress that shows off her cleavage. That’s what we all call our breasts right, “these puppies”?
At the rose ceremony, Farmer Chris speaks more words than we’ve ever heard him utter in all five preceding episodes combined, Exhibit A that we May Not Actually Like Him. And then Kelsey’s like, wait, why am I, a 28-year-old guidance counselor, fighting over this dumb-as-box-of-hammers farmer guy who has marbles in his mouth all the time? JUST KIDDING, you guys, that would of course never happen. You know that moment when you’re dating someone and obsessively asking yourself “does ze like me???”, and then your feminist BFF has to remind you to ask whether or not you’re even into said love object in the first place?? As women, we are socialized to please. And sometimes we forget to think about our actual desires in light of other people’s. If this were the real world, these ladieeeeesssss likely would have moved on from Farmer Chris by now. But this is the Bachelor universe, and there are no feminist best friends, and no alternative suitors. There’s just Farmer Chris, with his mouth slightly agape as he hands out roses to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Hot V Ashley, and Kelsey, and they all gleefully accept. He sends home Samantha (who is this person?) and 21-year-old Mackenzie (Thank God. Although I was enjoying seeing her and No Longer Hot Virgin Ashley’s friendship forming over a bond of incredible immaturity.)
The group heads to Deadwood, South Dakota, where, Farmer Chris astutely informs us, “Calamity Jane did her… did her business.” The first date is with Becca, the less-virginity-centric virgin of the contestant pool’s two virgins. They go horseback-riding in the woods (why does Farmer Chris know the horses names?!) and kind of hang out by a campfire (“mmmm, skewers,” commented my handsome-but-spoken for sweetheart Matt). Farmer Chris is giggling like a schoolgirl with Becca, and I’m kind of into their potential relationship. Farmer Chris doesn’t seem to have much of a personality, and Becca doesn’t either. They’re both generally nice and blonde-leaning and not that outgoing, and maybe it’s just her vaguely Southern accent but it’s remarkably easy to picture Becca at home on Chris’s farm. Oh also, Farmer Chris tells Bex that he’d love to have “4 to 6 kids,” which is utterly insane and further evidence of how The Bachelor hopes to quietly, creepily time-travel us back to an agrarian era when only white men had the right to vote.
Next up is the group date, and holy moly what a group date it is. “Let’s make sweet music together,” reads the date card. And all of a sudden the girls are hanging out with a country band that I foolishly hoped would be the Dixie Chicks but is in fact Big & Rich, a band best known for (my skin is crawling so hard right now just typing this) a song called (oh god can’t type these words) “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).”
Okay, okay, go freak out, drink some water if you need to, read some Audre Lorde, listen to Tori Amos, whatever you need to do to get grounded. I just watched the first 12 seconds of their video and have seen more than enough. These ultra-creepy purveyors of anti-feminist art hang out while the girls are forced to write and perform country songs about Farmer Chris. The highlight of the performance IMHO was by far Cruise Ship Singer Carly, whose song hinged on a beautiful chorus that went “Look at me lookin’ at you.” Omg, chills, I wanna buy the cassette single.
One would think that this performance would be a competition, and that, as is common practice on group dates, Chris would choose the winner to spend the rest of the evening with. But no, Farmer Chris instead does the unthinkable—Exhibit B that we might not want to spend our lives with him: Throughout the group date, all the girls get kinda jealous of Britt, who Chris keeps hanging out with and kissing. Well, after all the singing has ended, Chris tells Britt “I have a surprise for you,” and fucking LEAVES THE PARTY WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE TO ATTEND A BIG & RICH CONCERT WITH BRITT.
He brings Britt onstage, where he gives her the rose and they dance to the creepy aforementioned pro-sex anthem, except they change the words to “ride a farmboy,” Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwuhhhhh. When they go back to where the other womyn are waiting around confused and humiliated, Farmer Chris mumbles some garbage about how he didn’t want to give the rose to Britt in front of everyone, tells them to enjoy their night, and leaves. UGH. At this point, I kind of think every womyn on the group date should be like, “Um Chris is an inconsiderate dick, I just wrote a beautiful song for him and I’m not even a songwriter (unless I’m Cruise Ship Singer Carly), I am going home now to meet a guy who’s deserving of my awesomeness.” But instead they’re all super-bummed and crying—even Cool Canadian Kaitlyn—and I just feel terrible.
The last date is the two-on-one date—the fire-breathing dragon of the Bachelor franchise. Two women go on this always-incredibly-awkward date, but only one gets to stay. And this time we’re given the wonderful gift of a two-on-one date with Virgin Ashley and Widow Kelsey. OMFG. Two women, two archetypes of femininity. Ashley says “I’m Glenda the Good Witch and she’s the Wicked Witch of the West,” but I was sort of thinking Ashley’s like Snow White and Kelsey’s like the Evil Queen, but not in Snow White as much as in the Louise Bogan poem “The Crossed Apple.” Farmer Chris brings the two womyn to a weird canopy bed in the middle of the Badlands, what? And then all hell breaks loose. During Chris and Ashley’s alone time, they make out on a blanket and then Ashley tells Chris that Kelsey is “fake” and “doesn’t gel with the other girls.” Never a good move, but we can’t expect Hideous Virgin Ashley to take the high road now can we. What does Chris do with this information? In Exhibit C that he’s probs not worthy of our love, he TELLS KELSEY IMMEDIATELY!
Once Kelsey gets Chris alone, she classily reminds him that she’s ready to be a wife because she’s already been one (note to womynkind: the way you know you’re ready for marriage with one guy is if you’ve ever been married to anyguy!). Farmer Chris majorly throws Ashley under the bus, telling Kelsey flat out, “Ashley just told me that you’re being fake.” Who does that, Farmer Chris?! Certainly no future husband of mine. Kelsey pulls out her internalized misogyny, and says, “I’d hate for you to let go of everything between us because of girl talk.”
The set-up of this date is so incredibly weird, and after Kelsey talks to Chris she goes back to the weird Pottery Barn outdoor furniture in the middle of the desert, where she glares at Ashley while Chris is off taking care of some important business in the vast, empty desert. Kelsey tells Ashley she doesn’t appreciate her talking shit. Ashley retorts that Kelsey can’t intimidate her with big words, and says, “You and I both have our Master’s, and I have mine from a good place.” Holy SHIT an unprecedented education-off between Bachelor womyn! I was SO excited when Ashley said this, and kinda wanted them to pull each other’s hair out while screaming about their various thesis committees, GPAs, and academic credentials. But alas, they stayed in their roles as women-who-only-care-about-men, and Ashley ran to Chris sobbing. She sobs in his face (he deserves it—fuck that guy), forces him to chase her around the desert, and then Chris tells her they’re at different points in their lives and he doesn’t think his lifestyle will make her happy. Absolutely spot-on call, but Ashley just cries harder and brings up other girls who also won’t fit in with his lifestyle as evidence that he should keep her around. “You think Britt wants that lifestyle?” she sobs. Chris leaves Ashley weeping, and goes back to Kelsey (“I’m so sorry” “It’s a loss,” she hilariously says when he tells her about Ash). Then Farmer Chris totally blows our minds by sending Kelsey home too. He gets on a helicopter, leaving the two heartbroken women to die together in the desert.
The episode basically ended here, ‘cause the show has clearly forgotten its format. Oh, guess we’ll start another episode with a rose ceremony next week! Who even cares?! I CARE YOU GUYS!
Also coming next week: hometowns! Jade confesses to posing in Playboy! A two-night Bachelor event that corresponds with me being out of town! Will I be able to handle it? Will I reroute my trip to Iowa? Find out next week! <3