Reductress Presents: The St. Patrick’s Day Wellness Retreat
Thursday, March 17th, 2016
The Bell House, Brooklyn, NY
As the lights dimmed at the Bell House on St. Patrick’s evening, comedian and host for the evening presented by Reductress, Anna Drezen appeared like a Celtic apparition, promising to guide us to wellness with a “whatever it takes” leadership style and killer tights. I had slept 2 hours, the back of my head was a dreadlock, and my BFF was admittedly cramping and free-bleeding by my side.
Also on this journey was a sizeable group of intelligent women in various states of intoxication (read: coven), and according to an audience survey, one single man who upon further questioning was not employed. Imagine the crowd at an early Saturday morning Barre class, except totally not like that at all.
Julio Torres kicked off the night of stand-up and was brilliant with his interstellar, space prince take on current events such as Trump’s future running mate: a knee-high tower of Ferrero Rocher chocolates with a tiara. The lesson here is to run to his next performance now!
Intermission
Intermission included the “sacrifice” of a male virgin to ensure another 365 days of beauty for all women in attendance. After a true virgin could not be located, a plea was made for a man still with his college girlfriend or in a very long-term relationship. Finally a handsome young man with 3 months of abstinence was located. He was brandished with some Gaelic shrubs, marked with menstrual blood, and chastised as a “sad virgin boy.” I felt my skin’s elasticity improve by 33%.
Phoebe Robinson stormed the stage with the gusto that only a woman getting out of a 4-year relationship can. She taught us that women need to talk to each more about the size and shape of their vaginas. Go see this woman right away to find out what big-budget thriller you can permanently erase from your Netflix queue since she also gave us some of the funniest movie summaries I have ever heard.
An advice panel consisting of Lane Moore, Mandy Stadtmiller, Akilah Hughes, and Jen Spyra responded to previously submitted questions such as “how do I not act like a sociopath?” Their collective Irish acumen left us all enlightened and better prepared for future relationships. My mind was blown by the idea of plainly asking for what you want from a partner, as in: “I do not want to be in an open relationship.” I can’t wait to try this one out! I love the idea of incorporating magical realism into your love life.
Mostly because I’m a jerk with intimacy issues, I was nervous about Pop Roulette, the singing improv comedy troupe, but they were amazing with songs about definitely not being gay in 2003, three drunk girls at brunch, and staying young forever. My BFF and I felt a true connection when they harmonized the words “there’s a witch in my brain.”
Although THINX period underwear were given away throughout the night, picking names out of a hat does not account for merit, and our night culminated in the purchase of the high-waisted 2 tampon absorbing pair. My girl immediately put them on and came out of the bathroom a new woman, one that was theoretically ready for the after party, but one willing to settle for salad and slices.
All women in attendance were assured a very fruitful autumnal harvest, eternal youth, and outer beauty. That’s a pretty sweet return on fifteen bucks!
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Danielle Jeffrey is a veterinarian and writer. She is currently creeping in Seattle and recently found a live mouse in her car.
