New CDC guidelines intended to prevent fetal alcohol spectrum disorders in children have been causing quite the firestorm in feminist circles lately! The confusion probably began when women didn’t understand the CDC’s helpful infographic, which recommends that all women who are thinking about becoming pregnant abstain completely from alcohol, and that all trollops women who do drink alcohol make sure they’re on birth control:
The CDC actually removed the top part of this infographic last week, probably in response to all the confusion and anger. But since much of the information on the image, such as the implication that women who drink alcohol are responsible if someone else assaults or injures them, is still part of the CDC fact sheet on excessive alcohol use by women, many women are still really confused. For one thing, the infographic could do a lot more to help us completely eliminate the risk of accidentally getting drunk and pregnant. In fact, it could do more to help us figure out how prescription medications might completely eliminate the risk of a lot of other problems we might encounter in our lives. Don’t worry, though! WEIRD SISTER is here to help. Just follow these simple steps to figure out which prophylactic prescription drugs you should start taking, just to be safe! And if you finish this article and you’re still confused, make sure you’re taking hormonal birth control. That way, any damage you do to your own health won’t be inflicted on your millions of potential innocent babies!
SECTION 1
Are you a sexually active woman?*
* Due to confusion over the definition of “sexually active woman” we have revised this Q. New Q: are you a human with a vagina and uterus who might intentionally or accidentally have sex with a man?
Please note that the phenomenon of accidentally having sex with a man is more common than you may think. Many women who do not intend to have sex with men at the start of an evening–even women who actively attempt to not have sex with a particular man–find that they accidentally have sex with men anyway, especially when alcohol is involved. The only solution to this problem is hormonal birth control.
Circle your answer: yes/no
Do you enjoy any of the following activities? (Check all that apply.)
– Unwinding with a glass of wine
– Relaxing in a hot tub
– Biking
– Horseback riding
– Skiing
– Foot massages
– Pastrami sandwiches
– Sushi
– Cantaloupe
– Spicy foods
– Bringing a healthy lunch to the office in a reusable Tupperware container
– Receiving treatment for depression, anxiety, migraines, or other chronic medical conditions
– Taking a tablespoon of NyQuil before bed when you have a cold
– International travel
– Going to loud or rowdy concerts
– Vigorous dancing
– Painting
– Cleaning your own or other people’s homes
– Eating candy, ice cream, or other delicious foods
– Spending time with men, especially men who have been drinking (did you know that spending time with men who have been drinking can result in unwanted pregnancy/injuries/violence?)
– Receiving government assistance for your education, housing, childcare, medical care, or grocery budget
– Thinking about weird stuff like monkeys or monsters or dead people
– Not being a really rich white lady
If you answered yes to any of the above, AND if we think you deserve it, please join the line to the left to receive your mandatory Depo-Provera injection.
SECTION 2
Are you a woman**?
**For the purposes of the following questions, please take “woman” to mean anyone who is or has ever been perceived to be a woman.
Circle your answer: yes/no
Do you engage in any of the following activities?
– reading books and magazines
– watching TV
– looking at the Internet
– having a job
– interacting with men
– trying to make a difference in the world
– walking around
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, please join the line to the right to receive your mandatory Zoloft prescription. If you are not a really rich white lady, you may find that you need a slightly higher dose to cope with the above activities. Once you’ve taken your Zoloft, please join the line to the right to receive your mandatory Depo-Provera injection (just in case you accidentally have sex with a man and get pregnant while on antidepressants, which could be real bad for your baby. We’re not totally sure, and in fact most studies tracking women who have taken Zoloft during pregnancy do not seem to show an increased risk of birth defects, but then a couple of other studies have suggested there could be a link, so, you know, Why Take the Risk?!)
SECTION 3
Are you a woman***?
***For the purposes of the following questions, the CDC has to admit that maybe everybody should just follow these recommendations just to be safe, unless they are totally sure that they are a straight cis white man?
Do any of the following statements apply to you?
– I have a BMI of over 30
– I have a BMI of over 25
– I have never worked as a fashion model
– I have worked as, like, a Victoria’s Secret model but I have never worked as a model for a couture collection
– I have given birth to a baby who weighed more than 6 pounds
– My boobs fail the pencil test
– Sometimes my jeans are too tight
– I usually put whole milk in my coffee
– I own a TV
– I ate a donut one time
Circle your answer: yes/no
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, please join the line to the far left and receive your mandatory insulin injection. You probably should be on birth control, too, actually; we really don’t have the resources to take care of you and your fat, lazy baby.
SECTION 4
Are you a woman?
Circle your answer: yes/no
Do you enjoy any of the following activities? Check all that apply.
– Walking around alone at night
– Driving alone at night
– Walking around alone during the day
– Going to busy public places alone at any time
– Going to the home of a potential male sex partner
– Going to the homes of male friends or acquaintances
– Inviting male sex partners to your apartment
– Inviting male friends or acquaintances to your apartment
– Spending time with your legal husband in your apartment
– Spending time alone in your apartment
If you answered yes to any of the above, you are at serious risk for unplanned pregnancy, injuries, and/or violence. In addition to your mandatory Depo-Provera shot, you might want to consider signing up for that experimental battle drug featured on the Netflix Original Series Jessica Jones (don’t worry, that’s really not much of a spoiler). Please be aware that if you use this drug to defend yourself against unplanned pregnancy, injuries, and/or violence, you will be accountable for any damage you do to dudes, and you may have trouble coming down from the drug. Ask your doctor or male intimate partner to assess the risks and benefits of any medication you take, so they can make an informed decision on your behalf!
Also, please don’t take any of the advice above! Talk to your actual doctor! This is a fake, silly work of satire that doesn’t even really make sense as satire!
