The Feminist Bachelor Recap, Episode 10: Sex & the Single Girl

Just wearin’ some clothes that we totally understand the cultural significance of!

Ugh Bachelor Nation, we are getting to that point in the show where we should all be glued to our TVs, but instead I am bored. Jade is gone, and I am sad. Britt is gone, and I miss her inspiring makeup and red Chucks. Farmer Chris is boring, and Whitney is boring, and Becca is boring, and Kaitlyn is refreshingly not that boring which makes it all the more depressing that she’s vying for a chance to live with a boring guy in a desolate town in Iowa. I don’t even know who to root for anymore—the one I like best? That she be banished to Arlington, Iowa?!

We’re in Bali, and it’s rully pretty. The first date is with Kaitlyn, at a local temple where they basically go because they’re not allowed to kiss and I guess The Bachelor thought that sacred aspect of this place would be a fun kitchy restraint. Chris has maje pit stains and a monkey jumps on his head and Kaitlyn makes a weird metaphor about going after what you want and wishing she was a monkey. Kaitlyn tells Chris she’s falling in love, and I thought Farmer Chris was only allowed to say things like “thank you” and “it means so much to hear you say that” and *silent tongue kiss* in response, but in an unprecedented Bach move, he says “I’m falling in love with you as well.” Wow, Farmer Chris, “as well,” aren’t you a fancy genius. They go to the fantasy suite together. I am so bored you guys, someone please give me a lobotomy.

Kaitlyn’s all, “Oh why monkey can’t I just go after what I what like thee?!”

Let’s talk about the Fantasy Suite, for there is a delicate set of protocols around it which womyn must adhere to lest their reputation be forever tarnished. As a dude, it’s assumed you’re always gonna want to go to the Fantasy Suite, cause that’s where you get to have sex, and men love sex duh. As a woman, whether you’re a contestant or The Bachelorette herself, it’s okay to go to the Fantasy Suite only under the following conditions:

1. You are childless, and therefore need not concern yourself with the respectability politics surrounding motherhood.
2. You are a mother, but you talk at length about how you want to present yourself as a respectable role model for your child and for Children Everywhere. Then and only then it is maybe okay to say that you want to go to the Fantasy Suite only under the guise of “spending more time together.”
3. You carefully talk about wanting to “spend time alone,” “get to know each other on a whole different level,” and other such coded language, but never, EVER mention sex or any value whatsoever on fostering a physical connection. You definitely can’t get drunk and be like, “let’s make out,” while already making out, like you might have in college.

If and only if these conditions are met, it is totally chill to go to the Fantasy Suite as long as you promise to never speak of physical contact or the kind of carnal ecstasy that Farmer Chris brought you to in the clutches of his burly-from-corn-husking man-arms. All three of this week’s contestants played the Fantasy Suite cards like respectability pros, and all three were rewarded with bathtubs filled with rose petals for “getting to know” Chris in.

On Whitney’s date, she explains to Farmer Chris why her sister wasn’t able to give Chris her full blessing: their dad left when they were young, their mother was “forced to work full time,” perish the nightmarish thought, and Big Sis is just really looking out for her. Chris wants to know how Whitney’s feeling about potentially moving to Iowa, and Dream Bachelor Archetype Whitney explains in her sweet baby voice that while she’s worked hard for her career, she’s always really wanted to be a wife and mother. Her mom taught her as all good moms do that it’s important to have a back-up plan career just in case being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t work out. But if Chris chooses her, Whitney assures him, “I would be ready to have babies—that would be my career.” Chris’s eyes light up. And just like that we are magically transported to the 1950s. Oh and BTW he tells Whitney he’s “falling in love” with her too, and later tells Becca the same thing, so I *guess* it’s okay to say that as long as you say it to all three contestants, like “controlling variables” in a 6th grade science experiment!

“There’s no black bar over my ass ’cause I wasn’t randomly chosen to be body-shamed!”

Becca is proving to be my favorite—for Chris of course; she and I would most certainly never be friends. But I like how she’s kinda laid-back, and easy to picture on a farm maybe ’cause her hair is vaguely wheat-colored and her style is kinda country-casual. She looks at home sitting by a campfire, and while her hymen is meticulously intact, she doesn’t brag about it like some people. On their date, Chris is stunningly at his most articulate when talking about Bali’s agricultural practices. “We haven’t farmed this way in hundreds of years,” he says, piquing my intellectual interest. And then he says, “I love this kinda stuff” about walking over a bridge. The two lovebirdz go visit a shaman at the local temple, and instead of asking him interesting stuff they ask, like, if they’ll be good parents or somesuch bullshit, and what his advice is for the Fantasy Suite. Worst waste of a shaman’s powers I’ve seen in a long time. He tells them to “make love,” and Chris gives the thumbs up like a weird dork and Virgin Becca is flushed with desirous shame. They make out in a creek and Becca says she’s “experiencing temptation,” and we’re magically transported to biblical times. Then Becca confusingly talks to the camera about how she’s waiting for marriage, but like, she could just have sex in the Fantasy Suite if she thinks Chris loves her. I am totally into this contradiction—Becca is vast and containing of multitudes. When she finally tells Farmer Chris that she’s never been penetrated vaginally by a penis, he says he “respects” that—shocker, shocker, shocker. All is well until the morning, when they have a weird talk that leaves them both more confused than ever!

Beachy waves and a poker face—Becca’s signature style. Image via ABC, sorry.

At the Rose Ceremony, Farmer Chris pulls Becca aside first-things-first to try to clear up this confusion. Kaitlyn and Whitney are sure he’s sending her home in a gentlemanly fashion, but instead they just talk about how Becca does indeed have feelings for him and would indeed consider moving to Arlington to be with him. I love that Becca acts so normal. She seems totally unshaken by the show’s unrealistic demands that the contestants profess their love and undying commitment to The Bachelor in order to stay around, and instead she’s just honest. Chris seems to appreciate that too, and he gives her the last rose—sending home Canadian Kaitlyn! Perhaps he remembered the *non-wife material* jokes about “tight seals” that she told on the first episode? “But… womyn can’t be funny?!” Farmer Chris puzzlingly asked himself. You guys, even though I love Witty Kaitlyn, I was totally cheering “BECCA” at my TV like a crazy person, because I think Kaitlyn can do a whole lot better than puffy vest-wearing, mouth-breather Chris. Kaitlyn gives so many eye-rolls, and cries so many beautiful tears. We will miss you, Kaitlyn, we like your jokes. You will find someone far wittier than Farmer Chris, like Jimmy Kimmel maybe.

Did she say “plow my field” in the Fantasy Suite? Will she be the first Bachelorette with a sense of humor?

Next week: the women tell all! Is Kelsey the spawn of Satan in disguise?! Does Ashely really have a Master’s degree?! Are Britt’s lips naturally hot pink?! Is Cruise Ship Singer an actual job?! Stay tuned for all that and more!!!