“One of my wives is punk as fuck.”
This week’s Bach featured the very special guest host Jimmy Kimmel, a delightful reprieve from Chris Harrison. The episode began with him sneaking into Chris’s bedroom and waking him up, and Chris pretending to be totally surprised. Then they greeted the ladiesssszzz, and Kimmel made some funny jokes that commented on the ridiculousness of the whole Bachelor scenario: “I’m going to help Chris make his decision by making love to each of you.” LOLZ. And some jokes that took it a little too far like “If anyone would like to join me in the bedroom…” Ew, Jimmy Kimmel.
Chris’s first date was with Canadian jokester Kaitlyn—they went to Costco, where they went on a sort of supermarket sweep/scavenger hunt. Farmer Chris says “Kaitlyn’s cool,” which is nice and seems accurate. But then he follows it up with “Not many girls I know could handle a date like this with such class.” Farmer Chris clearly knows the wrong kind of girls—I can think of about 500 women who would shine at Costco if given the opportunity. Some kids push them around in a big weird inflatable wheel, and then they grossly kind of kiss in the wheel. In the longstanding Bachelor tradition of people saying incredibly obvious things like they’re wildly original insights, Kaitlyn says “I feel like it’s a couples bonding experience.” Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn then have a barbecue with Jimmy Kimmel. He makes a joke about them having a threesome, he asks Kaitlyn if she’s okay with Chris sleeping with other women in the fantasy suite, she says yes, and Farmer Chris and Jimmy Kimmel grossly marvel about what a “keeper” she is. I feel like… this date seemed really fun, and almost made me forget I was watching The Bach. It seemed like it was clearly Chris’s fave date so far. Which kinda begs the question—are he and Kaitlyn in love? Or do we all just love Jimmy Kimmel?
Kaitlyn is “cool”
On the group date, the grrrls’ farming skills are tested through an elaborate obstacle course that involves husking corn, milking goats then drinking the milk, shoveling manure, and wrestling pigs. Ugh, my vegetarian instincts were in full force—I was the girl who refused to dissect a frog in science class, and I would have so been the girl who goes home in the name of farm animals’ rights. The winner of the contest is Carly, the Cruise Ship Singer (whut), who really hustled—way to go, Carly. But the real focal point of this date was of course the black censor bar that remained over Jillian’s ass.
Not feminist.
Let’s talk about this. This black bar has been around whenever Jillian’s butt is on camera—whether she’s wearing a bikini or jeans. When I wrote about this last week, I was confused. This week, I’m pissed. I’m concluding that the show producers thought it would be a hilarious joke to cover Jillian’s ass with a censor bar because of drunk girl Jordan’s comments last week: “Jillian has got the hairiest ass I’ve ever seen on a woman.” Oh please, Jordan. I wanted to pull for her because she’s a drunk girl, but I was really disappointed that she’d say something so catty (but ultimately forgave her because, well, she was drunk; she knows not what she said). I was hoping I wouldn’t have to address this, but here we are a week later still bombarded by black bars. Bachelor producers, I see your weird joke, and I think it’s mean. I know, I know, the notion that adult women shouldn’t have to remove all the hair from their bodies in order to conform to a horrendously sexist culture’s standards for feminine beauty is pretty wild & crazy. But I would hope that some teeny inkling of feminism or general respect for other humans or whatever you wanna call it would key the producers to check their urges to literally censor women’s bodies for fun. But guess not, pass the popcorn, why do I watch this terrible show.
Meanwhile, the girls on the group date are starting to get pissed that Chris is kissing so many women. I watch every season of this atrocious masterpiece, and he is smooching much more than is standard. He doesn’t really seem to have any discretion. And the ladiessszzzz are taking notice. Hilarious 21-year-old Mackenzie actually went so far as to say to him “remember when we kissed? Why are you kissing everyone else too?” Chris says he’s just putting himself out there, man. Becca, the blonde girl who chose not to kiss him and instead awkwardly hugged him while telling him she didn’t want to rush into kissing him while they stood near the edge of a roof and I was terrified they’d fall off, ended up getting the rose for her chaste gesture.
Next up was Chris’s date with Fertility Nurse Whitney to a winery, where they see a wedding and decide to crash the wedding because “YOLO” (says Chris) and “I’m spontaneous!” (says Whitney, after Chris tells her how important it is to him that a woman can “roll the cob,” which he says is farmer-talk for “shoot the shit,” but Whit keeps insisting incorrectly that it means “go with the flow”). Whitney says “there’s something about weddings that’s just very romantic.” LOLZ. Chris says, “worst case scenario is that we may end up in jail.” Please. So they crash the wedding, Chris is so impressed by Leslie’s cob-rollingryness, and then he offers her the rose in a weirdly drawn-out dramatic scene wherein she accepts it as if she’s just gotten engaged.
The bouquet toss—a feminist’s nightmare
Night falls, and it’s time for the cocktail party. But wait, Jimmy Kimmel tells the womyn that there’s gonna be a pool party instead. The women are furious that they won’t get to wear evening wear (“I was so excited to do my Kardashian look,” said Hot Virgin Ashley—side note: omg you guys, I just fell down an internet wormhole wherein I discovered that Ashley has a Kim Kardashian-inspired beauty blog, and I now love her more than ever.) The gals are worried the pool party won’t be conducive to having serious conversations. But aesthetician Juelia manages to tell Chris the story of her husband’s suicide, which is horrifying, and Chris actually appears to be a really kind, generous listener. One point for feminism.
Then the pool party is taken over by a parade of insecurity-fueled makeout sessions. The exact kind of terrified kissing that you or I would enact if we knew that our special comrade was kissing others on the regs, and that if ze grew to like said others better, we could be coldly rejected without a word of warning. The desperate tongue-kissing of self-affirmation. We have all been there, and it’s really not a good look for feminism. Unfortunately, The Bachelor is a breeding ground for natural human insecurities. Britt is fully consumed by such feelings, and throws herself at Chris; they make out. Jade and him go back to his house where they decide to “test the bed” by making out in it, and then porno music comes on and all of a sudden we are actually in a porno. Jade, btw, actually posed naked in Playboy (I won’t link here, but I can’t say I didn’t google it), so maybe this was some kind of weird porn reference? Meanwhile, Chris discovers that Jillian is waiting outside for him in the hot tub. They hang out, then Mackensie, Hot Virgin Ashley, and Megan all hop in the hot tub too and are horrified that Jillian won’t leave to give each of them time alone with Chris. Ashley leaves, and cries through her beautiful fake eyelashes, then Chris comes and finds her. She says “I missed you this week,” then attempts to conjure a sexy coyness through her tears and snot, throws herself into jealous-Frenching, and they make out while seated precariously on a balcony ledge.
Must quell insecurities through intimate physical contact.
All that kissing her way to self-worth has Ashley feeling pretty confident about getting a rose; she even makes the bold move of asking Chris to call her name at the beginning of the rose ceremony. But of course, he doesn’t. And for a moment all our insecure twenty-something Kardashian selves are feeling really vulnerable in solidarity with Ash. But of course, Chris gives the Beautiful Virgin his last rose, sending home Amber, and two other nondescript girls whose names I can’t remember.
